L-O-V-E

Ah l'amour!
How can the French make love sound so care free? Love is not care free, it's not easy and it's certainly not easy to understand. Love frustrates me. From Day One, we are taught to love. There are many different kinds of love. There's your love for your family, for your friends and for the world. The love you have for living. Then there's true love.

I'm seventeen and I'm not going to pretend I know anything about true love. Up until high school I imagined love would come easily. I thought I could just hop into a relationship without even trying. I learned that after my first boyfriend falling in love wasn't going to be easy. I had to try.
It was one of those awkward, freshman year "relationships" that neither him nor I (I just spent the last ten minutes figuring out if that was the correct grammar (me nor him?) (him nor me?) (he or me?) (change nor to or?) (I don't know!!) ) put much effort into. We liked each other, but any actual conversation was rare. From him I learned that I was more scared of relationships that I thought. I broke it off with only two months of dating.

I'm not confident. I won't go up to a guy and start talking or flirting with him if I like him. I've liked a few guys since him. Most went out with my best friend, including my ex-boyfriend. I became less and less confident with myself.  It was easy to curl up in a ball and cry for hours, hoping that my parents, or brother in the next room, could hear. But no one did.

This year is different. Not only have I become closer with a few friends but there's this guy....
It's always starts out like that. So there's a boy... But he's different. Different from anyone I've ever liked before. Mostly he's different because I actually talk to him and am friends with him. He makes me laugh and I can't stop smiling when I'm with him. He's sweet and kind and I can't seem to breathe when I'm around him. I felt this way about him for a few months and I can't stop, no matter what's thrown in my way. My brother's opinion, or.... the fact that he may like someone else. It's not certain, but that doesn't stop my from playing Taylor Swift's "Teardrops on My Guitar" over and over and over.

But I can't help but wonder if he likes me. He's said I'm the nicest and friendliest person he's met, and I know people say "guys aren't looking for someone nice" but I like to believe different. He always smiles when I hang out with him. Last Saturday, when I arrived at a friends house and he was there, he literally ran to hug me.

Oh, I'd like the talk about the importance of hugs. They're great. They feel great. It's like being wrapped in someone's arm without actually "being in their arms" in the romantic sense. Girls love hugs. I like to think long hugs mean something.

The two hugs we shared that night, one for my arrival and one for my departure, were longer than normal. The one we even kept one arm around each other for a little bit after that. I don't want to sound like a giddy school girl who's over reacting over two little hugs. But you don't hug someone like that without meaning anything, right?

Don't judge me. Maybe I'm overreacting. I've never felt like this and I feel as if I have to tell him. I hate talking to him in school. I'm not me in school. Being in that setting holds me back. I'm more subdued that I normally am. I suppose it's my insecurity and the fact that I think I'm being judged. He's not insecure at all and that's what I love about him, and I know the insecurity I show in school isn't helping our relationship. When we hang out outside school I'm care free and happy and laughing and smiling.

I just realized something typing this. My first sentence was a question asking why love was so care free. Without even putting it together I used the exact same word to describe how I felt when I'm around him. I'm in so much danger of falling in love with him.

-Jenny

Note: Sorry for the little rant about my "crush". Ugh, I hate that word. It's not a crush... It's not quite love but it's not just a crush. I don't want to use this as my personal diary but I just needed to get some feelings out. I'm so frustrated and confused and so undeniably happy over this I don't know what to do.